


Alone on a Balcony

by serenityxdragon



Series: Lena Luthor Needs a Hug [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Heavy Angst, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Has a Shitload of Mental Illnesses, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, POV Lena Luthor, Pining, Rated M to be safe because I worry, Suicide Attempt, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 01:39:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9359957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityxdragon/pseuds/serenityxdragon
Summary: Lena has known pain her entire life, and she has never let it rule her. But Kara's love is threatening to tear her apart.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags for content warnings. It ends well but still gets pretty dark, stay safe

Lena wasn’t sure when exactly she had fallen for the girl.

 

It was “friends” and “hanging out” and “kindness” and then one day she realized that every time Kara was near her, she felt like she was dying.

 

She was okay at first. The ache in her heart reminded her she could feel. Whenever Kara’s hand brushed against her arm, her heart skipped a beat and she felt like she had wings. But the moment she was away, it was like her heart had been ripped out, and the pain was unbearable.

 

It came to the point where every minute was her waiting for their next meeting, and every sentence and action she made towards Kara was trying to get her closer- to put her hand on her back, to grasp her hand, to bump their hips together when they were walking.

 

She liked Kara’s hands the best.

 

They were rough, and strong, but so exceedingly gently that Lena was sure her heart would burst open. Concealing her grins was getting harder every day.

 

The day she lost Lex’s approval was the worst day of her life. The day she realized she was in love with Kara was a pretty close second.

 

It had been five months- she had pined, for sure, she had wished Kara had felt something more than friendship, but it hadn’t been  _ killing  _ her inside. Kara had called her- there was a movie coming out that weekend, and she wanted to see it with her. With  _ Lena.  _ She had been trying to hide her excitement- when was the last time anyone had wanted to be with  _ her _ ? Even if it had been completely platonic, completely innocent. Even if Kara was completely clueless _.  _

 

Kara had squealed when she said yes, and then hung up with a quick “I gotta go- I love you, bye!”

 

Lena had chuckled when she hung up, but the smile had quickly faded from her face, replaced with a blank, stunned stare. She staggered to her seat, struck dumb.

 

Why did Kara have to be so- her?

 

In hindsight, of course it was only a matter of time before she had fallen for her. Who could resist that smile, that laugh?

 

She supposed this was love, wasn’t it. It hurt so much.

 

At some point, the joy she saw when Kara walked into view was replaced by an ache in her heart. It was like poison, filling her smile with venom that only she could taste.  _ I love you, _ she would think, the words burning in her mind, but still she smiled courteously as Kara talked about how glad she is that they’re friends.

 

How could she have just  _ told  _ her? Her only friend, the only one who showed her physical affection? If she lost Kara, she would have nothing. Her company meant nothing to her, the money she earned worthless if she had no one around her.

 

It wasn’t that she wasn’t depressed before Kara. She hadn’t taken meds until Lex’s betrayal, but she had been diagnosed with clinical depression when she was eighteen. Mom hadn’t let her get a diagnosis. She had to wait until she could do it herself.

 

It seemed the meds had stopped working. Or was this a normal emotional response? She didn’t know what was normal anymore. She could have gone to her psychiatrist, upped the dose. But motivation wasn’t easy to find, and neither was free time. Between work and Kara, she was swamped. No matter how painful it was to see Kara and know she didn’t feel the same, it was more painful to be away from her.

 

She’d never tortured herself that much until she met Kara.

 

It had been eight months.

 

Three months since she realized she had fallen in love with her.

 

Two months since Kara’s name turned bitter.

 

It was cold, rainy day when it tipped her over the edge.

 

She didn’t quite remember what Kara had said- it wasn’t important, really. Something about friends and how much she cared about her. The words fell flat. Her stomach twisted. She had feigned sickness and insisted she had to leave. Kara had nodded, concern in her voice. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” she had said.

 

Lena had smiled, nodded, played her part. Thanked Kara for escorting her back to the office, where she could gather up her stuff and go home.

 

She didn’t go home.

 

She opened her mini fridge, took out a wine bottle and glass and sat back in her office chair. She poured an excess amount into the glass and drank a larger amount than she should have, considering. It didn’t interact well with her meds- in moderation, her doctor told her, it was fine. She found that it made everything worse no matter how much she drank.

 

But it did take her mind off Kara, at first. Self-loathing tends to distract you from what you were worrying about. It convinced her that she deserved this.

 

Had she remembered to take her meds that morning?

 

It didn’t matter anyway.

 

Her mind eventually wandered back to Kara. Kara was sunshine and love- too good for a Luthor. How could she ever feel the same about Lena that Lena did about her? Kara was the one person that was capable of loving her, but she loved everyone. How she could ever have deluded herself into thinking she was special, she didn’t know.

 

She was a Luthor. She pretended not to be, she pretended that being adopted made her separate from them, somehow. It didn’t change who she was.

 

It was Kara who disturbed her downward spiral. Lena’s phone buzzed with a text.

 

Kara: Are you feeling any better??

 

Lena pushed her phone away, almost spilling her wine all over her front. Why did she even bother? With life, with friendship. The only good thing in her life was a girl she couldn’t have, and she was too much of a coward to even tell Kara that she  _ loved  _ her.

 

Kara: I was worried about you

 

Kara: Do you want me to call ?

 

Closeness was a double edged sword. Kara didn’t know about the self-hatred, the nights spent digging her fingernails into her thighs trying to  _ feel _ , the failed suicide attempts. Empty pill bottles and scars that  _ almost  _ healed enough that she could forget. Kara was too bright and too good to deal with her on her worst days. The instant Lena responded to her text, her facade would crack, Kara would know, and Kara would leave her.

 

Kara: Are you okay?

 

Of course she wasn’t. Day after day of clinging to the only person who understood or cared about her made her want to let go. Ruin this relationship just like she always ruined them. Say something manipulative or horrifying. Warn her off. Let her free.

 

Kara: I’m going to call

 

Another minute passed and the phone rang with a cheerful tune that had Lena feeling sick to her stomach, which wasn’t saying much considering she already felt like shit. She let it go to voicemail.

 

“Please pick up. Did you leave your phone somewhere? I’m really worried about you,” Kara said. “Do you need me to go to your house? I’ll do it, don’t test me.”

 

There was a painful silence before she hung up. Lena covered her mouth to try and bite back the sobs.

 

_ Beep. _

 

She had hung up. Of course she had. It’s not like she really cared.

 

The phone rang again.

 

Lena saw the caller ID. Kara. She reached over and snatched up her phone, answering the call. “Yes?” she demanded, tremors in her voice.

 

“Lena? It’s me. I was wondering how you were doing. You didn’t feel too well, and-”

 

“How many feet does it take to guarantee you’ll die if you fall?” Lena said, her head tilting to the side as she stood from her chair and stared out at the cityscape, knees shaking.

 

“Lena!”

 

“Rhetorical question,” Lena said, forcing herself to smile. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes, and she looked upward, trying to stop herself from crying. She knew the instant she let out a tear, she would lose all her composure.

 

_ “When you smile, people can hear it in your voice. Always smile, even when you don’t feel like it,”  _ Lillian had said, long ago.

 

“Do I need to come over? I can bring movies, or popcorn, or both. If you’re feeling sick, I can bring some soup-”

 

“That won’t be necessary,” Lena said sharply. There was silence. For a moment she wondered if Kara was mad at her or worried for her. She didn’t know which one would bring her peace.  _ Don’t be passive aggressive,  _ she reminded herself.  _ She doesn’t know why you’re upset, you’ll just drive her away.  _

 

Would driving her away really be so bad?

 

Then she could finally just be alone forever.

 

A tear slid down her cheek. 

 

“I love you,” she said. “Kara. I love you. You know that?”

 

“Are you drunk?” Kara asked. Lena could hear her fear.

 

“No, I’m- of course not, that would be stupid. Stupid. My meds don’t go well with alcohol. It would be like I was  _ trying  _ to hurt myself, and heaven knows I’ve never done  _ that _ before.”

 

Lena wondered if Kara could detect the sarcasm. Either way, she felt like a horrible person for lying.

 

“You definitely sound- what meds do you take? What have you been drinking?”

 

“I love you. I love you,” Lena repeated.

 

“I love you too.”

 

“I’m in love with you.” Her voice had cracked. She reached up to her face and felt dampness where tears had fallen down her face. Kara said nothing. She thought she heard a sharp intake of breath. Her hand fell back down.

 

“I know you could never love me back. You don’t need to, I’m not much of anything anyway. I just figured- one last thing off my chest. Kara, you deserve the world. Remember that.”

 

She was about to hang up, and open the door to the balcony and pretend like she was going to fly rather than fall, but after a silence that was exquisitely painful to hear, Kara responded, “Last thing? Oh, god, you’re not going to-”

 

Of course Kara wouldn’t let her go out without a fight, without trying to talk her down. She wasn’t built that way- wasn’t built to leave people. But Lena had pushed people away from her every day of her life, trying to protect them from the physical and emotional repercussions of being seen with her, a Luthor. The last thing she wanted was for Kara to spend energy trying to “save” her.

 

So she hung up.

 

And opened the door to the balcony.

 

Lena tripped over the doorframe and fell to the ground, slipping on rainwater that had collected outside the door and landing on her hands and knees. It was  _ freezing  _ outside. She could feel the rain pelting her skin. The palms of her hands stung, and her scraped knees burned in the water. She reached out for the edge of the balcony. She swayed back and forth, trying to regain her balance. Her head was spinning, and her senses were numbed by the cold.

 

Gripping the edge of the balcony so hard her hands hurt, she got one leg over and steeled herself for the other one.

 

When she tried to swing her other leg over the rail, she slipped and fell back onto the balcony. Her head banged painfully and she let herself just lie there, eyes closed, breathing shallowly and trying not to feel. The back of her dress soaked through, and she could feel every goosebump prickling along her skin. Everything tingled. The pain dulled as cold seeped into her bones.

 

Supergirl landed beside her with a whoosh.

 

“Lena! Shit, Lena- you weren’t at your apartment, and I thought- I was sure- I was so worried.” Lena opened her eyes and saw Supergirl crying. “You need to get inside. It’s too cold for you out here. I can’t let you-”

 

“Why?” Lena said, hands shaking.

 

“Why- what?”

 

“I’m a Luthor. The one good thing I can do for this world is die. So why do you care so much?”

 

“You mean so much to- to good people,” Supergirl said, her voice cracking. Lena almost felt uncomfortable.

 

“Name one person who actually cares about me,” Lena said, shutting her eyes again so she didn’t have to see the person standing above her.

 

“Kara Danvers.”

 

“No she doesn’t. No more than she cares about everyone else, anyway.”

 

Supergirl knelt down next to her, propping Lena up and taking off her cape to wrap around her. “She loves you.”

 

“Well, she’s alone in that,” Lena muttered, wrapping the cape tighter around her. It smelled like home. She took a deep breath, breathing in the scent. “I love her. I’ve been in love with her for months. But I’m broken and irredeemable and I can’t make her love me back, not in the way I love her.”

 

Supergirl’s hand cupped her cheek. “Can you stand? Can you go back inside?”

 

“I’d rather stay out here,” Lena said. She shivered violently. Her hair was wet and clung to her face. She could barely feel her hands, and she gripped the cape so tightly her knuckles were white. “There’s still a chance I can freeze to death.”

 

Supergirl pulled her to her feet gently and led her inside, closing the door. “I was so scared I would lose you,” Supergirl said. Lena looked up to see more tears welling in the hero’s eyes. Supergirl had never seemed so  _ human.  _ Then she blinked, and the moment was gone. “We need to get you warmed up. You almost certainly have mild hypothermia, and you’re probably dehydrated- oh, Rao, did you drink all of that wine?”

 

“It was already halfway empty,” she mumbled.

 

“Thank Rao,” Supergirl said,

 

_ Rao. Why did that sound so familiar?  _

 

“Lena,” Supergirl breathed, taking her hands in her own. Rough hands. Gentle hands. “You’re going to freeze if you don’t get out of these clothes.”

 

“Good,” she said, although she didn’t much believe it anymore. Not that she  _ didn’t  _ believe it, it was just that she felt nothing. There was a hole where her emotions should be. She would have hated the way she couldn’t feel, were she capable of feeling hate.

 

Supergirl pulled the cape out of the way so the zipper down the side of Lena’s dress was exposed. “Please help me help you.”

 

She couldn’t exactly say no to National City’s number one protector. She raised her arms up enough so Supergirl could pull the dress down, then leaned back against the wall and slid down to sit on the floor, crossing her arms over her chest.

 

Supergirl intentionally looked away from her half naked figure when she crouched next to Lena on the floor, making an effort to give her privacy even though there was none to be found. 

 

“I spent close to a hundred dollars on this bra, feel free to appreciate it,” Lena said, managing to crack a smile. The nervous glance Supergirl gave her made Lena chuckle dryly. “So you’re intimidated by pretty girls too,” she said, lifting up her hips so Supergirl could slide the dress off. Her bare legs were covered in goosebumps and water.

 

“Do you- do you have towels?”

 

“In the adjacent room,” Lena said, making no effort to move her head from where it rested against the wall.

 

Supergirl was back in five seconds, holding two small fluffy hand towels. She sat by Lena and handed her one of the towels. Lena draped it across her chest, making no effort to dry herself off. She glanced sideways at Supergirl.

 

Flushing slightly, Supergirl wiped the towel over Lena’s arm, then moving down to her bare stomach, her legs, thighs, face. She rubbed warmth into Lena’s extremities. Lena shivered still, but some of the numbness had faded. Her thoughts were more linear.

 

“Why are you doing this,” she said as Supergirl scooted closer to her.

 

“I’m Supergirl. It’s my job to help people.”

 

“You stopped me from jumping. That’s enough, right? You can leave now.”

 

“Do you want me to?” Supergirl reached out and took Lena’s hand, pressing it gently to her chest.

 

“Don’t leave me,” Lena whispered, moving to curl up in Supergirl’s arms.

 

“Oh, Rao,” she said, one hand pressed against Lena’s back comfortingly. It was an achingly familiar gesture.

 

And suddenly it wasn’t Supergirl pressed into her side.

 

“Kara,” Lena said, the tears coming back.

 

“I’m sure she-”

 

“ _ Kara,”  _ Lena repeated, firmer this time. “Kara. You came. Oh, god, I didn’t want you to-”

 

Suddenly Kara dragged her into a kiss, her hands cradling her face like it was the most precious thing in the world. Lena wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck, tugging her impossibly closer, savoring the heat that raced through her body.

 

When Lena leaned over, finally engaged with her surroundings, Kara toppled over with the shock. Lena crawled on top of her, following her lips and drinking her in like she was a lifeline.

 

She was.

 

Kara pulled back for a second, her pupils blown and her nostrils flaring. “You’re still so cold, Lena,” she said, blinking to clear her head.

 

“So warm me up.” Lena’s head was buzzing.

 

Kara pushed herself off the floor and wrapped Lena with her cape again. This time she tucked herself next to Lena under the cape, putting her warm hands on Lena’s stomach.

 

“How are you so warm?”

 

“Kryptonian biology. Come here.”

 

“I don’t want to be in my office,” Lena said, tucking her head into the crook of Kara’s neck. “It’s lonely and- and cold.” Somehow Kara knew she didn’t mean the temperature.

 

“Do you want to go to your apartment?” Lena shook her head from side to side. “How about mine?” Lena shrugged. “Okay. Mine it is.” Kara grabbed Lena’s clothes and wrapped her fully in the cape, then lifted her into her arms. “Close your eyes and hold onto me.”

 

Lena wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck and shut her eyes tight as Kara lifted off. The weather hadn’t changed, but they were only outside for a minute, tops, before Kara arrived at her apartment and let them in through a window.

 

She set Lena down on her bed, then rifled around in her dresser to find clothes for her. “Your underwear must be wet too. I- I don’t have a bra that would fit you, but I have-” Kara set the clothes down beside her and turned around.

 

Lena fumbled with the clasp on her bra, her fingers clumsy and slipping. She began to cry again, everything that had happened pressing in on her. She couldn’t deal with anything more. Kara turned around, brushing away a tear from Lena’s face with her thumb and unclasping the bra before turning her back again so that Lena could pull on the loose t-shirt and sweatpants.

 

Lena reached out and grabbed at Kara once she had finished.

 

“Wait,” Kara said.

 

Lena’s brain froze up, and she felt anxiety clawing at her heart, as painful as a gaping wound. This was it. This was when Kara would reject her. Kara would leave her and go to the couch and-

 

Kara was crawling into the bed next to her, her suit on the ground, wearing an oversized sweater.

 

Lena inhaled deeply through her nose, then let out the air with a puff of breath. “Hold me?” she asked tremulously, not trusting herself to say anything more. Kara scooted over, pulling Lena so her head was pressed against her chest where her heart was beating. She draped one arm over Lena’s side, holding one of her hands.

 

“I love you,” Kara said. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know exactly how.”

 

Lena let out a quiet sob, hiding her face. “Even though I’m broken?”

 

“I’ll love you through everything,” Kara said, her thumb stroking over Lena’s knuckles.

 

Lena had never believed hopeful promises before. She had people promise their love before. She had them swear they’d never leave her. She had people whisper everything they loved about her, hushed and earnest, and then turn away and condemn her the next day. Broken. Manipulative. Insincere.  _ Luthor.  _

 

But in this moment- with the arm of the girl she loved wrapped around her, her breath tickling Lena’s ear, pressed together like maybe Kara didn’t actually want to leave her- she thought that maybe, maybe she could believe this one.

 

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> I... forgot how much I liked writing angst until I wrote this. Please tell me what you think!


End file.
